My Grandmother,(Irish side) told me that this was the time of year that dogs get rabies. I doubt that. I think rabies is something that you can get any time of year if you or your dog get bitten by something that has it. Because of the heat, animals get cranky. If Bowser next door gets out of the neighbors yard he may take the opportunity to bite someone. Forgive him… He is wearing a fur coat in 100 degree weather.

Now take cats in the same conditions. A cat will find a cool, shady spot and turn into a throw rug. We have 9 cats,(Yes, we are demented.) and they spread themselves out and go flat. Even opening a can of salmon surprise doesn’t get much more than a twitch if it’s really hot.

If you want to find a better reason to call them ‘Dog Days’, try this;

1. Monday- Frenzied barking, leaping Chihuahuas, begging to hurry up and get finished with the day. Too much to do and not enough time! Yip, Yip, Yip Etc.

2. Tuesday- Brittany Spaniel of a day. Still bouncing around but not as fast. Lots to do, still not enough time but less frenzy.

3. Wednesday- Mutt time. Halfway through the work week. No bouncing. Now it’s a fast walk. Stop and take the time to smell the hydrants.

4. Thursday- Sheep dog. Yeah, I can move if I have to! I can also take a nap if I want to. So, I’ll move a little and nap a lot.

5. Friday- Dachshund. It’s a LLOOONNNGGG day and I have short legs. I’ll get there eventually. I still see some of those Monday Chihuahuas around but I choose to ignore them.

6. Saturday- Bloodhound. I am not in the mood to do anything. Well…Not much of anything. Unless I happen to be downwind of a barbeque. I’ll just mosey over and wait for someone to drop a burger. I can smell which dumb ass will put his plate down while he goes for another beer. I will sit next to him.

7. Sunday- Saint Bernard- I don’t have to do more than exist. My size alone will keep away those idiots who want to "Take the doggy for a run." They think once they get far enough away they can tap the keg around my neck. BIG DEAL!! It’s full of Mountain Dew.

Yeah. Those really are Dog Days.

Maybe the meaning of dog days is the fact that you’ve worked like a dog all year and you get a week or two in August for vacation. Time to take the family and get a a change of scenery. Pack the kid’s summer clothes, (The ones that don’t fit them anymore because you bought them last year at the close out sale?) Get a new bathing suit! ( Good time to buy one, they go on sale now.) Find out that the stores only have a scant selection of bathing suits left. All of them are either size 4 string bikinis or size 50 pup tents. O.K. …. You’ll wear the one you have. After some major repair work on the seams. Make many phone calls to find out which relatives have space in the shore house. Be prepared to meet 500 cousins you didn’t know existed and count on sleeping in the car.

Beach Trek… To bravely go where the rest of humanity already went. (And got the best spaces.) This should be simple. Take the old towels, if you remembered to pack them. OOPPSS! Forgot the towels. Alrighty then, Go to the nearest K-Mart and discover that the only towels they have are the ones with the satin and lace trim. At a horribly expensive price. You gotta do what you gotta do, as you max out the plastic. Back to the beach!

After hiking through acres of sweaty flesh, you find a spot!! Your daughter, Citronella, has a duffel bag full of Barbie dolls which she MUST have at all times. The boys have a full sized wheelbarrow with a load of buckets, shovels, trucks and space ships. Of course you will need provisions for this day at the beach. A coffin-sized ice chest containing 24 bologna and cheese sandwiches, 42 packets of juice, chocolate bars and a bag of slightly over ripe peaches which you bought off the back of a truck in the K-Mart parking lot. They were really cheap!

You have finally settled in to your tiny space. It’s the only one left on this beach and it’s slam dunk next to the jetty. WOW! Are you lucky to have gotten this space! It’s the last one left on the beach! Amazing! The wind shifts… Uh-Oh. It seems the jetty is full of rotting fish carcasses and the smell is concentrated right here. Well, that explains why it was so available. It’s a good thing your sinuses clog easily.

It’s getting toward 3 P.M. and the sandwiches are gone. The first 3 didn’t have sand in them but the other 21 did, despite being hermetically sealed. The juice packets have leaked and the chocolate bars are sludge. The peaches were very good! The boys used them as ammo in the pre-teen war they started. The good part of that was your space increased when people left to go home and shower bits of mushy peaches off. (Hee-Hee!) You lie back on your Martha Stewart towel to even out your tan. MMMMM! The sun feels so,,,,so,,,, so,,,, Gone? You look up and see large, black clouds. There is a rumbling that is not the surf. You notice the life guards running towards the dunes, and so are the rest of the people on the beach. You and the kids are the only ones left! The crack of lightning brings you into hyperdrive! The Barbies and the trucks and the towels are scattered all over and there is no time to gather anything! You grab the kids and you haul some important ass! You sit in the car and wait for the storm to pass. You would have already left but the car keys are on the beach where you dropped them.

Dog days? You wish you were a dog. You feel a special connection to a rabid pit bull right about now.

And there is that special group of people who take vacations in the winter. They go skiing or to Florida. How weird is that? In August, they hold down the fort at work. You almost feel sorry for them, stuck inside…minimal tans…slaving away with skeleton staff. They have to do a lot with a little. The boss takes off the whole month of August to go sailing. They can only hope that when he comes back he won’t find too many screw-ups.

Every day is now casual Friday. Since the air conditioning is on the fritz and the repair guy is….(Guess What???)… On vacation! The first day wasn’t too bad. Jeans and short sleeved shirts for the guys and the ladies just left off the pantyhose and wore looser clothing. Two days later it was shorts and Guinea T’s for the boys . The girls wore things like Daisy Mae’s and tube tops. By Friday it looked like a porno flick. Even Gertie, who is 64 and ½ years old and is built like a beach ball held up by two twigs, has left the Dolly Parton wig home and is sporting a queen sized bikini. The Guys are in Speedos. Water balloon fights break out every half hour or so. The computers are fried from the heat and no one is answering the phone. That pile of work you left on your desk? The one you almost felt guilty about leaving? NO PROBLEM!!! It will be there for you when you come back! Right under the other pile of work that was placed on top of it. If you work like a dog for the next 2 months you just might catch up with August.

Summer officially ends with Labor Day. The kids go back to school, the politicians go back to where ever they go when they are ‘working’, the psychiatrists are back at the couch. You have been singing "I Will Survive" since the middle of June. And here you are! So far, So good.